We celebrated thirty-five years of wedded bliss this past December. Whew! We all had a hardy laugh at that statement!. Who sustains marital bliss? The ebb and flow of “love” isn’t what we discuss. Women gather and mostly complain about how awful their husband is to them. It’s social crying like babies do. Each feeds off another. The problems follow you and exponentially grow bigger. I wanted to run away from home at one point in my marriage, but where? Life is filled with choices. How do we choose wisely?
First of all, if you’re in an abusive relationship, get help and get out. No one is a punching bag, ever. (thehotline.org). With that said, the road ahead is rocky, rough, and stormy. Did mom ever tell you that before you said, “I do?” Maybe but in the middle of overpowering hormonal love, the life of learning isn’t in sight. “Death do us part” is a phrase on repeat for this brain. I can’t kill him, but maybe he might have a heart attack and die on his own? Wow! Evil thoughts, but be honest, the grief of betrayal goes down many ugly paths. With a heavy sigh, I say pain is real. My heart has broken more times than I care to count. Happy 35 to me! Right? Remember, I’ve been with my husband longer than I’ve not been with him. More than half of my life, it’s a day in and day out with this same guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Wait, there’s HOPE! If you’re still reading, thank you.
I remember sitting in our living room in one of those crossroads moments in our marriage. Yes, I was trying to find loopholes in my faith to justify my runaway bride mentality. (Found nothing, by the way. I did make a vow to God.) “I thought we’d grow old together,” my husband tilted his head up from his face in his hands. Life without his hug was all I’d been pondering for months. His eyes spoke an arrow through my heart. What had I’d thought when we eloped in December 1986? But wait, I know what I was thinking. Ha! I loved him too. I wanted to grow old with him as well. My heart melted. What an embrace that followed!
We talked for hours—lots of Tears. Hearts broke.
Silence.
Our counseling sessions were few. It didn’t seem to help; I just wanted out. Time passed, and we were both unhappy. Suddenly the tide began to turn. Have you ever seen a cruise ship turn? It’s going to take a bit, but slowly, powerfully, purposefully, our hearts begin to knit together. Our faith began to grow. We both began to recognize the two-way street of compassion. Compromise. If you think you’re the perfect mate to anyone, it’s a lie. The fault is in us all. Yes, at some point, it’s a battle of your mind tricking you, and it’s also a battle for your heart. Remember that famous quote, “actions speak louder than words.” really. Where your mind goes is how you’re going to act.
What do you think about each day?
Are there any qualities that make your spouse great?
What made you fall in love with him to begin with?
What were your first dates like?
Will, it just be better if these needy kids were out of the house, then you could spend that quality loving time again with each other?
To be honest, there is no perfect solution but a simple path. Try. Yes, trying is the very first step. Talk to each other and be willing to hear without anger. Another important thing is to be open with each other and not hold back your true feelings. For us, we both needed to change. (Him more, of course, hah!) And like that slow-turning ship, a life which seemed like irreconcilable differences turned toward the sunrise.
All of us have seasons of heartache. None of us have to remain there. As a fitness coach, I always think of life as that marathon race. I’m a sprinter, so long-distance is tough and challenging. Get ready to pace yourself. Are you in a season of diapers and doo-doo?
Are you in a season of endless days of dailies of life?
Are you in a season of solitude?
Broward Mom Collective works at connecting women to women. We’re a team not to sit and complain, but we’re in that boat with you rowing! If you need to have a random rant, I know you can pick up the phone and call Annie and Rafeea or even myself, and we will give you a lending ear! Remember, you’re never alone unless you choose that life.
After darkness comes light, the sun will rise in the East without fail. I don’t have all the answers. None of us do. We do have hearts to connect with you. I’ve recently learned how to help a hurting friend with a simple phrase, “I’m so sorry.” Yes, it’s that easy. Compassion. Comfort. Caring is all you need.
We would give a friend in need the same solution to give to that husband in need. He is probably hurting as well. Think about the good instead of the bad. Thoughts become actions. Actions become love. Love becomes a lifestyle. Is it hard? Yes. Is it work every day? Yes. Is it worth it?
Ah! Yes, and the next thirty-five years will be new challenges every step of the way.
Here are a few quick tips you can start with today!
Practically speaking, what does giving life look like? Smile at him in the morning, “Good Morning!” Phrases, I believe in you.
Thank you for your hard work, and I like that shirt; begin a conversation. Men want to be loved and loved after. Growing old together is going to be great. Who else could put up with this crazy granny? Cheers too, death do us part; we have a great life to live ahead of us. I pray it will be many, many more years of wedded bliss! I love him more now than I’ve ever loved him. Soon to be empty-nesters, we’re even planning an annual festival to commemorate the day. March 13th (the day after our daughter Rosey’s wedding, the last child be moving out) is “Naked Grandpa Day.” I may have to participate in this party of two.
Get counseling. Get involved with life again. Get back that loving feeling.
